Being Saved
by Ceslas
Summary: Five times Jayne saves River and never knows it.


The truth makes you crazy if you don't filter it. Chaos, desire, mystery, darkness, loss.

**Chaos:**

Unconscious and floating, no feeling in her body, just a vague memory of new attraction then shock. Cold air crept over her skin, curling up the short hairs on her back, waking her to a world of sound and sensation. Light, bright and sharp in its painful nearness. Voices filled her mind, strange accents, scents filled her nostrils. Hard tang of oil and rust. The air was chilled and sharp, particles cut into her flesh, no softness or warmth. Nothing was familiar, even Simon was not as she remembered, he was scared, hard, trying to hold himself and her, still, in a sea that threatened to cast them out. Everything was confused, no place felt right. She shrinks back from the chaos there. No time, no thought to spare to find the thread. A tiny flame licks past her, she tries to grasp at it before it slips away. Beauty's scent came over her, softness across her shoulders, jasmine and spice. Father was uncertain, not his child, a strange creature in the midst of his family. Shiny could not find her bearing with Simon blending refinement with terror.

Two as one, neither separate nor together. Try to make two, _two_, not one, would not become as two. Oldest wise soul burying darkness so deep she could flow through it and never see the light. Current of fear and cold sweat slid across the floor, climbed her legs, a creeping wrongness. Only one quiet port, one place where the sound is clear. Sees her as a girl, sees her body not trapped in her mind. Blood flows, heartbeat is strong and regular, no fear, no anxiety. Coursing red travels from center to extremes and returns along private paths. Warm darkness, like a cocoon of warm earth, heated from within by unquenchable fires protected from the winds and rains of the cold, chill air. Thoughts clear and free of all but curiosity. Nothing to distract her from her own sense of self. A quiet place in the storm. She grasped onto that straw, held it tight to her chest with scared hands. Don't say a word. Can't, do, but makes no sense.

_"Simon, they talk to me. They want me to talk…"_

Simon holds her, leads her away, takes her from the silence of the flame breathing, warmth, feeling. The chaos returns and surrounds her. She falls asleep again, back to that _place_, except she doesn't go there. There is another presence in her mind. She shrinks from it, feels heat from it, larger and fuller than her nightmares. There is a hardness to it, an angry bear pacing inside her mind, not hers. She mumbles and flinches in her sleep. The bear paces to a stop, peering at her through blue eyes. She stills, sees the eyes considering her.

"_It's a girl. Cute, too, but I don't think she is all there. 'Course not all of her has to be…"_

She was going to shrink back, but something made her stay as the bear circled her, sniffing at her hair, her hands. Puffs of hot air blow across her face as the bear considers her face. She can smell him, fiery, smoky, tangy. She stays grounded to herself while he is there. When he goes, she sleeps, no nightmares this one night. The first night saved from dreams of death and destruction, free of her own chaos.

Much later she remembers that scent again.

**Desire:**

They are coming. Daddy is coming to save them. She can feel it more clearly than what is happening right in front of her.

_"You have to eat. Keep up your strength, and we won't be here long. Daddy will come to take us home and I'll get better. I'll get better."_

He didn't understand. He thought he did, but he did not know she was talking about Captain Daddy coming… about the bear making her better. She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, the swirling of dread and fear through Doralee couldn't hide the truth. They would come. Simon was always her guardian, her white knight, but even he could not stop the flood. What use is a knight against knaves when the knaves wield the cudgel of faith? He would die with her, stay with her to the final bitter blow. But she knew, knew as she had never been certain before, that they would come.

"_Time to go." _She smiled at Simon, glad he could see the truth of her knowledge.

"_Looks like we got here in the nick of time, what does that make us?'_

"_Big damn heroes, sir._

"_Ain't we just…"_

She smiled, she knew. Simon was sure she had gone back to her childhood when she spoke of Daddy. His arms grasped around her, no longer able to protect her, only able to go with her where the fire would take them. Later he would remember the way she had looked at him, eyes shining and trusting when _Serenity_ appeared overhead.

"_Do you see the man hanging from the spaceship with the really big gun? Now, I'm not saying you weren't easy to find, but it was kinda out of our way and he didn't wanna come in the first place. Man's looking to kill some folk, so it's really his will y'all should worry 'bout thwarting."_

He was hanging there like an angel come from heaven to save them, save her. Wielded his power with urgent wrath. She felt the anger flow in waves off him, spiking into her soul, but not at her. His blood sang in her ears, she felt his finger resting on the trigger, lightly curved around the trigger, only needed to increase pressure a fraction of an ounce to feel the song of the weapon in his arms. Feel the joy of violence the gun promised. She breathed in his desire, smelled the smoke in the air, knew it was from more than the smoldering wood below her feet. He would burn the air around him, destroy impurities that threatened to pull her back to her nightmares. The threads were bright in the night sky.

He was furious. Hanging there over the townsfolk, glaring down upon them like an angel of death. His finger was curled around the trigger, ready for, hoping for, the opportunity to feel the kickback of the recoil, feel the gun sing with joy for being used. He could see Little Crazy and her brother down there, ready to be roasted like pigs at a party. Gorramn Core-bred fools. His finger rested lightly on the trigger, the barest breath of pressure and he would rain destruction on them townsfolk. He couldn't hear what Mal was going on about, but he wanted Little Crazy cut down and out of there. He didn't spare a thought as to why it mattered to him. His body was clenched in anger, muscles were all bunched, ready to explode. A shimmer of red curtained his eyes, blinded him from his own thoughts, left only the bear in their place.

Family gathered to eat, food was warm and filling. Basket with bread passed by her, she missed taking a piece. Saw his plate, a piece of bread on it. Giggling, she took it and began to eat. He spied her theft, clear blue eyes went wide and then he smiled. She felt his gladness at her presence, his peace at having her back, teasing. Captain Daddy rescued them, Bear saved her. Smoke still clung to him, mixed with him, became part of him. His desire to keep her safe curled across his consciousness twining along paths rarely used, sinuous and feline.

He saved her, swept down out of the sky to bring her back home, safe.

**Mystery:**

He knew it was wrong. Knew it as he made the call. He had sold them out. The warm center of his soul shrank back from him, left him in the brightness of betrayal. His fired darkness wanted no part of his brittle shell decision. A betrayal his heart wouldn't let him forgive and forget.

She woke up in the morgue all cheerful and bright.

"_Copper for a kiss?"_

He died a small death inside, the shock of her waking was unnerving enough without the odd request. She felt him there, missed the brittle shell at first, the threads to the safety of him were still strong. He tried to forget what he had done, what would be coming. Tried to figure a way out of the guilt that was shrouding his shoulders. Getting her and the Doc to the Imaging Suite was a long walk up the down elevator. 'Bout all he could do to not wring the Doc's neck for stopping to save that man in the Recovery Ward. He had a deadline to keep. And getting caught in the ward like this was not part of his plan.

His plan…his gorramn plan. That went so far wrong he couldn't even calculate the odds of it. Gorramn Alliance hun dahn's, screwing him out of his reward. _"Toes in the sand"_ his ass… that was where he woulda been if'n he gotten his due reward for getting rid of the Doc and his crazy sister. He was wrong, he knew it again as the doors opened to the agents coming to arrest them. He was turning against himself, arguing as two. The man he was became small and bitter next to the man he would become. The conflict inside was threatening to overflow into his need to save himself, her, all of them. He struggled in a fight he had no experience with.

He still tried to be his old person, but the new man inside was already aware that he was wrong. Was wrong to be sold into the hands of those who do not care for you. Wrong to sell out Little Crazy and her brother. He knew he was wrong. He couldn't do the math, sitting to close, sitting to near… couldn't hear. A trapped animal paced in the cage, threw itself at the walls that kept it in, growling, snarling, teeth bared.

They tried to take her away, they guarded her to prevent the flight of their prize. He _saw_ the red for the first time. Knew what it felt like when it clawed its way to his soul. The math became clear, he grasped it, held it and found a way to bind it near. He fought to erase it from his vision, to save them, to save her. She knew what he did not, that the red would never really leave him now.

"_Don't tell 'em what I done… make somethin' up."_ The old him was pushed aside by the man he was becoming, the man who knew there was more to being, to living.

The scar across his chest made sure of that. He never knew the mystery he had solved that day he had become her target. He never knew how she saw the red on the outside matched the red on the inside. She knew it would drive his betrayal, but that he had to betray her before he could save her. Before he knew her.

**Darkness:**

They were everywhere, her mind was filled to the edges of her awareness. Screaming, tearing, grasping at the fibers of her soul.

"_What is it? What's wrong?"_

He knelt by her side, she could feel the red wash over her, let her come back to herself enough to see him. The bear was right there, smelled his smoke around the edges.

"_Reavers."_

He scooped her up, they ran, settled her in the back of the mule. She calmed when she felt the wash of the wind over her, saw him become who he was meant to be, the fighter, the protector, the bear who killed to stay true to himself. She calmed as the fight intensified, as he was fired with adrenaline. She knew he would survive, he did not. She knew they would out-fly the mad ones. She felt the calm of peace settle over her even as the sad little bug forgot to turn aside from their wild flight. She was torn from her peace by the poor bugs trail into her mouth. The sudden end of the rush was a release back into the world of melancholy. Her sadness for what would come to pass in the near future would be all she could organize in her mind. Even his red could not battle through the darkness to come to let her see. There would be time enough for that later.

She whirled, kicking and flying, sending bodies to the ground as though they were lying down of their own accord. She felt his eyes on her, felt his desire course through him. He wanted to join the fight as much as he wanted to take her to himself. She spun and kicked high behind her head and spared a glance to see his response. With the economy of action his sheer strength allowed, he dropped a man to the ground with a single blow, the power of his body delivered through his fist easily. The bear loomed full and enraptured by the flames coursing through them both. She could feel his satisfaction at being able to attain her attention. She twisted and delivered another man to the sweetness of sleep before she felt his arms snake around her, grasping her to his body tightly.

"_Gorramnit Girl, it's me!"_ He grunted out as she tried to writhe free, wanting to keep dancing the dance of violence with him. She could feel his irritation with having to end the dance this way, he wanted to keep flowing with her, but he wouldn't let her go. He held her, trying to not crush her in his arms. She felt her one opportunity to win free and finish the dance, even without him. She was saddened by that, but the steps hadn't been completed. She fought back in the one way she had, she grabbed him by his man-parts, the parts he had threatened to show her more than once. He groaned, tried to hold onto her as the pain drove black agony to fill his eyes, he had to loosen his grasp. When he did, she struck up with her elbow, catching him in the chin, throwing his head back with a sick snap. He started to slide back from her, his arms unsnaking from her body. She had to stop him from catching her again. A barmaids tray was the closest weapon that she could use. A quick snap into his gut and then an up-hand under his jaw sent him sprawling. A moment to feel remorse would have been to many, she didn't know his breaking through to her mind in that one grasp saved her from being the killer she had been programmed to be. She could chose to not kill, she could be her, not a machine driven only by programming. She finished her dance, got to the last step and then crumbled, strings cut, darkness descended, pattern broken.

**Loss:**

It was all aflame, she could only feel the heat of the flames pouring off of him. The others were pushed into the background, they were barely there. Half of two was gone, she had felt his spark disappear, join the wise dark-souled one. An emptiness filled her heart where they had been. Captain Daddy had gone to change destiny. The mad ones slavered and threw their mutilated bodies at the walls, breaking down the concrete she had erected in her mind to keep them out. Fire burned beside her, gave her strength, pushed her to see who she was. Who she needed to be when it became her turn. Her choice to be the weapon so carefully constructed.

She dealt death in a spiral dance of violence, whirling, slicing, blades sang through the red fire flickering at her consciousness. She anchored herself to the fire, followed the trail back along the flame's thread to him, borrowed strength from him. Knew he had tried to join, tried to come to the fight with her. She took that power he had, stole his strength to rise. She heard him in her mind. Inside he was bellowing at himself, _Get up, GET UP! You useless hundan! Get your miserable carcass off this floor and go to the fight, don't let the fight go to the end without you. There is no payoff in this one except her. GET UP! _His body wouldn't move, the strength he had spent his life to get was not enough to get him off that hall way floor. She brought him this way, brought his angry red fire, his bearcat violence to a fight his body could not join in.

His loss was her power to use. He would feel it wash back over him when she dropped her dripping weapons. He would be the one to come to her, catch her as she fell. He saved her and them all by freeing his red to her. The bear became part of her. He became as one in her soul. The loss of chaos, the finding of desire and the mystery of how they survived the darkness drove her to find him, and in that, herself.

**Being Saved**

In the still moments many years later, when they are alone together, the others asleep and quiet, she thinks back to how he saved her and never knew. He never really understood how he had found her, as truly as she had found him. They had pulled out of each other truths that would have stayed hidden in the dark recesses of their minds. She knows without words that his strength allows her to fly and he grounds her to the power that is feeling without insanity... She strokes his brow, smoothing wrinkles away, he worries too much... He shows her there is life outside of death, that the heart can overcome what others see as obstacles. He burns and eliminates unnecessary moments until there is mischief, beauty, laughter, magic, peace.


End file.
